The Nature of Interpersonal Relationships

I like relationships. I would argue that interpersonal relationships are one of the most important things about living. We are naturally social creatures, and loneliness can be devastating. The psychology that goes into personal relationships is fascinating to me. I like to think a lot about what makes the relationships we form, why with some people we tend to get along, and others not so much. Whether it is a romantic relationship, friendship, or relations with family members, the relationships we forge can shape who we are. More and more people in the United States like to think of themselves as individuals, but those individuals often rely very heavily on their relationships with others.

A great deal of people have a great misconception about relationships; in specific, fixing issues in the relationship. People tend to think that fixing a problematic issue is like a race, where you start at point A and run until point B is passed, then you brush the dust from your pants because it’s all done. This is not really true for much of anything, including relationships. You can’t fix a car to a point that it never needs any more work. There are always many little things that need constant attention, and the best one can really hope for is that it runs well enough for a long enough time that major work will be far off. Perhaps a car is a bad analogy. It is more like a skill. There is no point in which an athlete throws his hands up and says “all done, I’m perfect at soccer. I guess that means no more practice for me.” I think a great deal of the problem here is that many people tend to be very destination-based. They want an end game, a finished product that can be presented as near perfect. I feel that in reality there is no truly “fixed” anything in a relationship. Things can get better or worse depending on what happens, but relationships need continued care if problematic issues are to be under control for any extended period of time.

I tend to view an interpersonal relationship like a floating sphere, kind of like a balloon. This balloon is continually expanding and contracting over time as a relationship continues, but not evenly. Each point on the surface of the balloon is a different aspect of the relationship, and the further it expands outward from the center, the more smoothly that particular aspect of the relationship is progressing. The more these points contract, the worse these aspects are being cared for. There are setbacks in progression, and sometimes we are better with some things than others, so this interpersonal relationship balloon is in constant flux, contorting into bizarre shapes.

No relationship is ideal, and no relationship will ever reach an end result, or finished product. It is a continuing journey, where education and exploration never end. Our goal is not to obtain a perfect balloon, but to work on gaining greater insight into the motions of the sphere and work on problematic areas. It is unreasonable to think that any problem will vanish and never be a concern again. What we can do is learn skills and habits that help us manage the spikes and troughs of the relationship sphere. Things like communication, honesty, trust, and a shared vision of the relationship are ideas that help us manage our relationships; not like a race where we rush toward a definitive conclusion, but like maintaining a complex machine.

What do you think about the nature of relationships? Do you have any stories, ideas, thoughts, or issues? I always welcome open discussion.